We tend to want what we don’t have.
Or, we THINK we do.
My husband and I recently took a vacation in Hawaii. As with most vacations, the goal was to relax…to not think about work or the to-do list.
You know…heaven.
I’m a planner. I like the idea of knowing where we’re going. A vision…some goals.
A few close friends challenged me to take ‘contrary action;’ to NOT have a plan. To just go with the flow.
I envy people who can do this…no plan, just deciding on a whim how to spend one’s time.
My heart is pounding as I type these words. This isn’t me.
Don’t misunderstand me. I’m NOT the kind of person who must have every minute planned out. THAT level of structure is equally overwhelming.
AND my husband’s last-minute exclamation of ‘let’s go whale watching,’ knowing that some activities require some level of forethought and planning, was really frustrating.
So, during our trip, we spent quite a bit of time in the ‘so, what do you want to do today?’ space.
As I reflect on our trip, I can now see how I succumbed to the internal (and some external) pressure to be someone I’m not. I wanted (or so I thought) to be flexible and ‘go with the flow,’ but at what cost?
In hindsight, I wish I had:
- allowed for some structure; what were some things we want to do (e.g., whale watching) that require planning?
- challenged my belief that no plan (being flexible) was somehow better than having one.
Does that mean I’m inflexible? Nope.
What is does mean is that I chose to get caught in the loop of binary thinking. I didn’t consider that the right answer was somewhere in the middle.
So, what does this have to do with leadership?
I recently read an article on the idea of ‘quiet leadership.’ Keeping with the theme of wanting what we don’t have, I was VERY attracted to the title.
‘Quiet’ is NOT a word I would use to describe myself, AND as I read the article, I could see how I had already put some of these practices into place, particularly:
- Volume does not equal value. It’s not about who speaks first or the most, but more about how a leader moderates their energy for the benefit of the team.
- Create intentional space. The planner in me loves this; planning for space between discussion topics allows team members to digest the previous topic before diving into the next one.
While I may not describe myself as ‘quiet,’ I can learn and adopt practices that elevate my leadership without completely changing who I am.
Here are a few tips to make small self-awareness shifts while remaining authentically you:
Listen to your body. In the weeks leading up to our trip, my anxiety started to ramp up in the form of a rapid heartbeat and queasiness, and I chose to ignore it. I chalked it up to worry that I wouldn’t complete all the work I needed to finish to enjoy our trip.
Which, by the way, never happens. I always get it all done, so upon reflection, I can acknowledge how easy it was to label the emotion or feeling to fit the story I chose to tell myself.
If I had a do-over, I would follow this line of questioning:
- Why am I feeling [anxious, afraid, angry…fill in the blank]?
- What is the story I’m telling myself about that feeling?
- How do I know this story is true?
- If I don’t know that it’s true, what else is possible?
What is your body telling you? What story are you telling yourself about how you’re showing up as a leader?
We can easily forget how important it is to pay attention to our heart as well as our head. Find the balance between the two.
Call yourself out. A big part of being authentically you includes being vulnerable…noticing and owning when you’re trying to be someone you’re not or act in ways that are not true to who you are. Basically, you have caught yourself disregarding your strengths, you values, and what’s important to you.
In my case, I filed this decision to go full ‘no plan’ as personal growth, and for the purposes of this trip, I branded my ‘Action’ and ‘Organizer’ strengths as too rigid and controlled to result in a good time.
In truth, this is only the case when these strengths are overused. It’s not an all-or-nothing proposition…it is, once again, about balance.
Ask for feedback…and help. I am fully aware that my anxiety can create a heaviness in the spaces I occupy. The daily ‘what do you want to do today?’ question kept that anxiety front and center.
As leaders, we set the temperature, and the people in our orbit can feel it.
Upon reflection, I wish I had simply called out the elephant in the room.
‘Look, I’m noticing that my decision to set aside my need to have some sort of plan on this trip is creating anxiety for me. Can we sit down and think about what we both hope to experience on this trip?’
It’s interesting…I notice that my anxiety quickly regulates when I simply ask for what I need, regardless of the other person’s response! With the topic on the table, can we find a balance between having a plan and seeing where the day takes us?
Don’t get me wrong, we DID have an amazing vacation! Who knew that important leadership lessons would show up in paradise?
Aloha! 🌺