A lion doesn’t have to tell anyone it’s a lion…
I love talking about confidence. It’s a core value of mine…and when I see REAL confidence in others, I want to be around them.
Confident people don’t need to tell others they’re confident.
A few years ago, I wrote about building confidence, and I shared what continues to be my favorite Facebook meme:
It still reminds me of who I used to be as a child, and as I get older, I think more about her:
- never wearing shoes unless I had to,
- climbing the pine tree at my best friend Lori’s house…still barefoot…then going home with feet covered in sap, and
- riding EVERYWHERE on my 3-speed bike…again, barefoot on those spiked pedals. OUCH!
There’s a level of fearlessness that a young child has, and this time of year reminds me when we couldn’t wait for Summer and everything that comes with it: pools, parks, picnics…FUN!
This is my favorite picture of myself. I love the sneaky, playful look on my face. I keep this picture in my office to remind me of who I was and who I can still be.
Then we grow up, and our fears grow too. How can we regain that sense of fearlessness? Hmmm…
As I look back at who I was as a child and who I became as I grew up, one very specific fear comes to mind.
Judgement.
- What if I look or sound ‘stupid?’
- What if I don’t know the ‘answer’ or what I’m talking about?
- What if I make a mistake?
When I ask a client to ‘tell me about the last time you got feedback that you looked or sounded stupid,’ it’s rare (if ever) that a client can cite a specific incident. These fears are usually nurtured in our own mind and rarely backed by evidence.
So, what does this have to do with leadership?
Confidence is a mindset. Fearlessness is a mindset. They start as thoughts, and thoughts on a continual loop can become deep-seeded, habitual beliefs.
So why is confidence so elusive? It’s often a topic my clients want to talk about.
- How can I be more CONFIDENT in meetings?
- Why do I lack CONFIDENCE talking to senior leaders?
- Why does [enter name] always seem so CONFIDENT, and I shrink into the background?
That mental mindset is strong. The only way to change that mindset is to replace it with something else.
“Confidence comes from a Latin word ‘fidere’ which means “to trust”; therefore, having self-confidence is having trust in one’s self.” — Wikipedia
The ‘self’ is like a stew…many of us have a family recipe that at some point (finally), we make our own. Maybe we’re bored with the ‘same old thing’ and are ready to substitute unhealthy ingredients, like negative beliefs and unhelpful stories with more healthy ones, like positive emotions and new, supportive beliefs.
A few years back I shared a ‘recipe’ for self-confidence, and it still stands true.
Gather your ingredients. Your values, your strengths, your talents gifts and superpowers…pull them all together! These are the personal elements that make you uniquely YOU.
Now, do you need to use them all at the same time? Nope! Maybe today’s recipe demands some stronger spices, while tomorrow’s recipe requires some that are rarely used. The idea is to know when to use the right ingredients for the best outcome.
Plan a potluck. What amazing dishes are others willing to share? I’ve got my ‘go to’ recipes, the ones I can always count on.
So do others! What can you count on others to bring to the table? What strengths, talents and gifts do they have that compliment (or make up for) yours? How might yours compliment theirs?
Sprinkle in some humility. Yikes! Too much salt. The same is true with self-confidence…too much and it shows up as arrogance. YES, acknowledge your strengths and your part in the success of the project. Remember to also acknowledge how you got there and who helped. Give credit where credit is due…including to yourself.
Bottom line: I know what I’m good at and the contributions I make…my strengths, talents and gifts…and what I’m NOT good at. Confidence is a healthy blend of all of it.
So, what do you need to add to create the perfect recipe for your new, more confident ‘self?’