“…and then I got to know you.”
Last month, my Let’s LEAD newsletter focused on how to build confidence. The more confident we feel, the greater the impact on our work and the people around us.
If you’ve been working on increasing your confidence, maybe:
- you’re speaking more assertively at meetings
- you’re exercising your influence when speaking with senior leaders
- you’re leaning into new opportunities at work
You feel great about your new-found confidence, and you’re not the only one noticing the ‘new you.’
Them: ‘Wow [your name]! What’s going on?’
You: ‘What do you mean?’
Them: ‘Well, something has changed.’
They’re right. Something has changed. And what we all know is true about change…good or bad…it takes some adjusting. For us, AND for others.
A quick story…
I recently spent a weekend afternoon with several girlfriends. I don’t even remember what prompted it, but at one point, I sat there quietly as my friends told me about my impact on them. Their feedback was mostly positive, and in some cases…insightful.
A couple friends shared their initial perception of me:
- ‘I was intimidated by you…’
- ‘You speak very assertively…’
Each of them concluded their feedback with ‘…and then I got to know you.’
I don’t see myself as intimidating or overly assertive, but clearly at one point, THEY did. It’s not the first time I’ve received this feedback.
I thanked them all for their input, and because I’m human, I spent WAY too much time ruminating on the comments that I took personally.
This means I need to change, right? I know, I’ll…
- dial back my confidence; I’m making others uncomfortable.
- soften my voice; when I speak, others won’t be intimidated by what I have to say.
- think twice before I speak up. Maybe three times…
Bottom line, I’ll shrink. I’ll be less ‘me.’
Then, I remembered…then they got to know me.
Here’s the deal. I like me, AND for some, their first impression of me may not be what I intend.
My friends’ feedback provided an opportunity for me to reflect on how I show up in relationships. It’s good information.
We all know that women, especially confident women, get judged harshly when we display what might be considered non-traditional feminine attributes.
Intimidating, assertive, independent…the list goes on.
So, if you’re starting to show up more confidently in your work, your relationships…your life in general, then just know…you’re likely going to get some resistance.
So, what does this have to do with leadership?
As leaders, a significant part of our job is to help others develop and grow. We often do this by developing and growing ourselves. By BEING the change we hope to see in others.
Assuming you’re human like me, feedback for improvement can feel like a critique that stings…a lot. It’s an emotional response that blocks receiving even the most glowing feedback.
Tell me 10 things I do well and one thing I don’t, and I’ll remember that one thing.
Here are a few tips to learn and grow from feedback:
Ask for it. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge to be true. Whether it’s a formal 360° assessment or a less formal request during a team member’s 1:1, we need to learn from others their perception of us.
For the later, I love the Stop – Start – Continue model for feedback.
- What should I STOP doing?
- What should I START doing?
- What should I CONTINUE doing?
If you plan to use this model, give your team member’s a heads up so they’re prepared with their responses. ‘I don’t know’ isn’t helpful…
Learn how to receive it. Less-than-positive feedback isn’t always easy to hear, and while the initial sting ‘bites,’ give yourself some time to feel it, then move on. Once your emotions have neutralized, ask yourself:
- Is it true?
- If it’s true, what’s the cost?
- What gift or opportunity does the feedback provide?
Again, my friends’ feedback wasn’t new…I’ve heard it before. The work is what to do with this feedback while still being authentically me.
Then…learn how to give it. As a leader, delivering feedback for improvement is a necessary skill, AND the ultimate goal is changed behavior. If the other person doesn’t receive the message, give some thought to your approach.
Think of a time when you were provided feedback for improvement that made you feel empowered and open to try something new. What made it that way?
Consider a ‘coach approach’:
- Ask questions or request the other person’s perspective.
- How do you think that presentation went?
- Tell me how you approached that task.
- Use the ‘feedback loop’ model:
- What went well?
- What didn’t go so well?
- What would you do differently next time?
- Conclude with any key points that haven’t been raised, and confidence that they can make the change.
So, where did I land after processing my feedback with a trusted friend?
While I must take responsibility for how I show up, others still might feel intimidated by me, and I must accept that I have little to no control over their initial perception.
My request: please take the time to get to know me.
Maybe I’ll change your mind…
Now THAT’S a gift!