“I don’t know.”
This is tough to admit for many of us.
My internal Saboteurs…the Controller, the Stickler, and the Hyper-Achiever, all riding shotgun with the Judge (or ‘inner critic’), don’t like these three words at all.
- “I’m in control when I have all the answers.”
- “I must know all the answers! Anything less is unacceptable.”
- “When I have THE answer, I’m valuable.”
…and the big one:
“I am so stupid! I should know the answer.”
Admitting that ‘I don’t know’ means I’m NOT in control, I’m NOT perfect, and I can’t do (and know) it all.
AND…I have never felt freer.
BUT…others were confused.
It started with my son.
“Mom, I need your advice.”
“What’s going on?”
He would share the story. Lots of details…and finally, the question:
“Mom…what would YOU do?”
“Hmmm…I don’t know.”
“What? You always know what to do.”
“No, I don’t. What are you leaning toward?”
“I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you.”
Ugh. It was a tough conversation, and I knew NOT KNOWING was the right answer for him. I held my ground.
“What do you need to know to make a decision?”
As we worked through his dilemma, I could hear how his confidence was growing in his decision.
We had this conversation years ago. Since then, his calls for ‘advice’ and fewer and far between. Often, he needs more of a sounding board; he may say he needs advice, but he rarely really does.
So, what does this have to do with leadership?
As leaders, there’s a level of vulnerability needed to be willing to say, ‘I don’t know.’
Here are a few tips to empower others through ‘not knowing’…
Banish the monster. Michael Bungay Stanier calls our need to give advice, often unsolicited, the Advice Monster. During a talk he did for a coaching group to publicize his book, The Advice Trap (BTW…I would highly recommend ANY book written by MBS), he said:
“My advice is rarely as good as I THINK it is!”
This hit me hard. He went on to say that the advice we give works for US; that doesn’t necessarily mean it would work for others.
Maybe my tolerance for risk is higher than theirs. Maybe my willingness to be direct is greater.
THEY are not ME.
Admit not knowing. If this is a challenge for you, you’re going to need to acknowledge this to yourself first.
Ask yourself some questions:
- What is the PAYOFF for having all the answers?
- What is the COST of having all the answers?
- If you were to acknowledge that you don’t need to have all the answers, what OPPORTUNITY does that create for you? For others?
We may be tying our VALUE to our ability to give ‘great’ advice, and then we’re offended when others don’t take that advice. It feels personal. It’s not.
Ask question(s). When I start working with a new client, I spend quite a bit of time setting the stage and setting expectations.
“I don’t have the answers, but I do have the questions.”
As a leader, get good at asking questions. Here are some of my favorites:
“What’s happening?”
“What do you want?”
“What have you already tried?”
“What’s working well?”
“What challenges are you running into?”
Finally, one that’s less of a question and more of a follow-up:
“Tell me more about that.”
You’ll notice that NONE of these questions are particularly profound. As a matter of fact, the simpler the better!
When leaders admit they don’t have all the answers, it opens the door to new ideas, teamwork, and growth. By saying “I don’t know,” leaders give others the chance to step up, share their thoughts, and bring their unique views to the table. This builds trust, inclusivity, and helps the whole team succeed together.
True leadership isn’t about knowing everything—it’s about helping everyone find the answers together.